If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
