Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
tell me about the eggs
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize