But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
