chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize