you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize