YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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