As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
