i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
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