Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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