There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
