so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
