I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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