I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
