He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
