remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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