I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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