Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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