fuck your aforementioned shoe
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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