Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
