He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
