Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
