Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
