I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
