Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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