I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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