soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
