my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize