I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize