Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
