My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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