what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
