Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
