I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
