Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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