i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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