Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
