i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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