its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
