question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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