In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
