Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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