i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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