Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
