Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
