So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize