The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
