Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize