he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
