apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
