I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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