the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
