Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
