just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
