I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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