She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
