Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
