I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
