i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize