I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
