I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
