his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
