and i looked up. we had an audience...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
