I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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