She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize